Courtney - The Linen Queen

Oh Courtney, bless your cute little heart for WANTING to be beat up.

The wedding industry.............what a crock of shit. Not only do you pay tens of thousands of dollars for halls, hotels, flowers and attire, we have now become suckered into couture table linens. IN COMES THE LINEN LADY making you feel ridiculously cheap for actually using the cushioned chairs that come with the $150.00 per person price that you pay. Well linen lady, we are not going to take it anymore!

You are so cute that I would like to strap you to a chair adorned with your hideous Coral Lamour cover and make you watch me set a table using plastic dinnerware and disposable table cloths from Costco. Then I will turn you over on your stomach and repeatedly whip your naked ass with a bar of soap tucked away in one of your Bichon & Bengaline Ties. To conclude this beating, I will snap a photo of you, have it put onto a napkin (AKA Photonaps™) and have them handed out at your funeral. Put that under your tiara BBBBBBBBBIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACH