The Weekly Beating

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Adult Snuggie

HOLY FUCKING HELL. What is this? Is it a blankie? A long hoodie? or the most unattractive article of clothing a woman can ever wear around the house? I don't even think the people that make this can answer that question. But hey, if you act now, you can get a second snuggie absolutely free! AND a super slim portable booklight for free too. As if the snuggie was not a boner shrinker already. They should just say, Ladies, you never have to shave your conch again cause once you use our snuggly, your husband is never going to go down on you.....mostly for fear of suffocation.

Your so cute, I would sneak the snuggie from your closet and release carpet beetles on it. Hopefully the bug bites will be so annoying that the snuggie will find its way to the trash. Then I will mount you on the wall above my bed, take that free booklight and shove the large end of it up your ass (with the light on of course). Ill let you down after I finish reading my 500 page book.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

The Kiosk

Kiosks.....where do I begin.

Lets get one thing straight Kiosk nazi. I don't want your hair weaves, I don't want your nail creme, I don't want your cell phone cases, and I ESPCIALLY don't want your fake designer purses. I just want to walk the mall without some european man with slick hair asking me if he can file my nails. I just want to get to Nordstroms people.

Your so cute I am gonna strap you down and staple one of those fake ponytails to your greasy head. Then I will take out every nail file you own and go to town! Once your hands start to bleed, I will then go one Kiosk over and borrow some Proactiv Revitalizing Toner to soak your bleeding hands in (ouch, thats gonna leave a mark). I will then beat you with a sequined covered cell phone case and top it off by taking your picture, and having it converted to a Pencil Sketch (yeh, they have a Kiosk to do that too).

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Chain Smoker

I am the first to admit, nothing is sexier than ending a night of partying by kissing a HOT man who has just enough essence of smoke and booze on his breath. Social smoking is quite popular, and in my mind, I don't see anything wrong with indulging in that. However, I still don't understand how people can smoke on a daily basis.

I don't have any addictions (other than food........and shopping........and sex) Ok, I don't have any that are actually hazardous to my health. How is it that we are well educated about the effects of smoking, yet people still smoke 1-2 packs a day?
Do you like your lungs? Do you want to talk through a voice box? You like smelling like an ashtray?

Your so cute I want to take your pack of Marlboro Menthols and break all of them in half in front of you. Then I will take a box of nicotine patches and stick all of them to your body. While you are experiencing overdose signs including dizziness, upset stomach, bad headaches, vomiting, cold sweats, drooling, confusion, blurred vision, hearing problems, weakness or fainting, I will simultaneously be beating you over the head with your lighter and the inhaler you will eventually need. Once i'm finished, I will sit an lecture you on the effects of smoking while flipping through pictures of burnt lungs and the Crypt keeper, cause that's who you will eventually look, and smell like...........dumb assess.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Bathroom Behavior

Women, your bathroom behavior is an abomination. I mean, if your gonna hover over the seat, WIPE UP YOUR OWN PEE! Every woman knows that it can spray in some strange ways when your squatting like that, so be kind and take 2 seconds to check the seat...its a nice gesture don't you think?

18 stalls open and you know that son of a bitch that comes in after you is gonna choose the one right next to you. What if your dropping a deuce? Don't you want some privacy? WHAT THE FUCK! Can't you see I chose the last stall in the row for a reason....I WANT SOME PRIVACY

And another thing, WASH YOUR HANDS! You just stuck them way to close to either your cooter and or your ass. Even if I chowed box, I would expect both the box and your hands would be at a certain level of cleanliness. Thanks

Your so cute, Id like to hold you up by your ankles and dunk your head in the toilet I just pissed in. Then I will take the plunger, stuff it up your non-lubricated ass in hopes that the wooden handle will leave splinters. I will find a toilet with a steamy floater in it, tie you to it and make you waft that lovely aroma. After a few hours, I will douse you in antibacterial soap and leave you naked under the hand dryer. You will certainly think twice about your stank ass horrible bathroom behavior when I finish with you.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Construction - WHY WHY WHY

WHY do we need to have our roads and highways worked on during rush hour traffic. I mean, I know it costs the city less money to pull together a crew during the typical 9-5, but do they not realize they are making all us mucky mucks that need to work a normal 40 hour work week crazy! I had the pleasure of being stuck in such messes in Billerica, Lexington, Waltham AND Watertown, turning my 25 minute commute into a 60 minute commute. Well I have had it! You city construction workers are going DOWN!

Your so cute I want to take a hammer and knock the shit out of your hard hat. Then I will take that crafty little yellow vest with the reflectors on it and light it on fire while your still wearing it! Keep that Jackhammer plugged in because I am going postal on your skinny white ass, making your body resemble a roadmap. After I am finished, I will drop you off in Watertown with a ticking timebomb attached to your ass. Your buddy Bill will start in Billerica and have 25 minutes to save your life before you explode. Now how do YOU like being porked by traffic???


Friday, May 16, 2008

MPP Part 2

Last week I received some criticism because many people thought my "beating" was not violent enough. Since I am WICKED PISSA ANGRY today, I figured this beating may act as a form of release from the wicked world inside my head. Hopefully you assholes will get off my shit now. Do you think maintaining this beating is my only job? Why don't you go walk into oncoming traffic you cracker ass mo-fo's.......and good luck with that.

Maria is so cute I'd like to "tune in Tokyo" and twist her nipples till they fall off and bleed. Then I will take her by the pony tail, tie her to a camera tri-pod and repeatedly hurl darts at her (of course using the areas where her nipples used to be at as targets. Once I'm finished, I will shove a giant steak up her butt and roast her over a fire. I heard Argentinean meat goes lovely with Chimichurri sauce and a side of Yuca Frita.


Saturday, May 10, 2008

You down with MPP?

The time has finally come my friends. I have been trying to beat the shit out of Maria ever since I met her that Saturday night at The Palace. I walk in the door to see this skinny biach sitting on a high stool with a pencil skirt and Pashmina Shawl. I looked at my friend Jo-Ann and said "wow, check out the shawl...this is gonna be good."

Boy was I wrong. Whoever thought that Maria and I would become such great friends, and best friends for that matter. I cannot say I feel as close to anyone in this entire world as I do to her. I can tell her anything and by god she WILL give me her honest opinion. I can safely say that I truly could not live without this girl.

So, as she leaves me at THP to become one of her husbands "groupies" I now shall take out all my aggressions on her. Years of biting my toungue are about to spill on these pages like beer being spilt at a toga party. I hope this post will live up to everyone's expectations!

Maria, you're so cute I would like to first take a slab of Argentine beef and smack you in the face with it. As you are home preparing for your uppity N.A.C.E meeting with all your uppity new friends, I will hide in the backseat of your car. During the meeting, I will sneak in and drop roofies in your fluffy Martini and wait till you become drowsy. I will steal Brian's Camera and drag you out of there by the camera strap and snap pictures of you in the bathroom with a small mirror and a powdery substance lined up on it. Once those N.A.C.E folks get a hold of that, YOU WILL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!